Self-Love: The Missing Ingredient in a Dieting Mindset
/By Rosalyn Fung
“Wow! Have you lost weight? You look great!”
Does this compliment make anyone else’s day!? How do you feel when someone says that to you? If you’re like most women, that would have been the best compliment you could ever receive. I know, in the past, I certainly would have thought so!
In our society today, being fat is seen as a significant top fear in people. In fact, approximately 91% of North American women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media. 81% of ten year olds are afraid of being fat because they believe that “being fat is the worse thing in the world”. I too, was caught in this fat-fearing diet mindset, at one point in my life.
Many of us get socially rewarded for dieting, from compliments about weight loss and being seen as more attractive in others’ eyes. Although it may seem harmless to compliment one for their weight loss, we have no idea how these social reinforcements are being taken to the person losing weight, as well as the reasons of why the person is dieting in the first place. For instance, when I was a chronic dieter and constantly trying to perfect my body, I was getting so many social compliments on how great I looked, how envious my friends were of my transforming body, and received a lot of attention from the opposite sex- but internally, I constantly had a running tape of “What can I eat? What shouldn’t I eat? Do I look bloated? How much do I weigh? If I eat this now…I can eat a little less later or tomorrow or I can do extra cardio”…blah, blah, blah – nothing but justifications and calculations in my head that eventually drove me nuts!
Dieting has become “the socially acceptable eating disorder”, or to put it another way, it is considered disordered eating, depending on the degree of severity when it comes the impact on mind, body and spirit and functioning in life.
Clinical Eating Disorders, such as Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating Disorder, meet the criteria in the Diagnostic Statistics Manual- 5 (DSM-5), a handbook used by healthcare professionals in North America as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. Orthorexia, which is not currently recognized as a diagnosable eating disorder yet in the (DSM-5) is becoming a more prevalent eating concern as it pertains to being “health-obsessed” and the individual suffering may be creating an identity around healthy food. At one point, I definitely suffered from Orthorexia, as my (false) self-esteem became wrapped up in the purity of obsessively only eating “healthy” food, which in turn made me feel (falsely) superior to those who would eat anything that I considered unhealthy.
Disordered Eating, in contrast, does not meet the criteria required to be diagnosed, however, the individual may still suffer from a mild form of that diagnosis. So in essence, disordered eating and eating disorders are just two ends of the spectrum.
Regardless the degree of severity, what really matters is our self-talk and reasons when it comes to weight loss, and how much space and time is dieting taking up mentally, emotionally, and physically in you? Are you trying to diet because you are consumed with:
“Feeling fat” (and yet, you actually are at a normal, healthy weight range for your height)
You do not like what you see in the mirror, you want to be a smaller clothes size just because you think you’ll feel more happy and confident, you think you and others would like you better if you had the ideal body?
You believe the smaller the number on the scale, correlates with increased happiness.
OR are you losing weight because:
You legitimately have weight to lose for health reasons, or
Weight loss is actually a side effect and your main focus is that you are learning to respect your body’s wisdom, and you still remain in positive self-talk no matter what size your body is?
I’m going to bet that many women are going to say they resonate more with the former set of questions rather than the latter. Most of us diet because we are trying to achieve a certain appearance. Now, professional bodybuilding athletes diet because this is very much part of the sport. However, if they are doing this for purely the sport aspect, their self-talk is realistic in accepting their body off-season as much as they accept their body on-season. Although, even many athletes struggle with their body image off-season because they compare themselves to their on-season physique.
For the rest of us women, why are you trying to achieve the perfect body? Our reasons are often not truly about food and weight. It’s about something much deeper- it’s about trying to “control” some part of us we dislike or are uncomfortable with, and it always boils down to our limiting core beliefs and feelings related to our beliefs. Limiting core beliefs may include “I’m not good enough”, “I am not lovable as I am” and “I’m not worthy”. In most cases, perfectionist thinking is involved. Perfectionist thinking is black and white thinking such as seeing things as “all or nothing” and “good or bad”.
So in the case of dieting, women tend to follow rigid, prescribed way of eating, and “feel guilty (“I did something bad”) or shame (“I am bad”) if they eat foods outside of the prescribed diet plan. Certain foods are seen as either “good, safe” foods or “bad, unsafe” foods, depending on the diet. Self-punishment is often the consequence of falling off the wagon in the form of purging, restricting, over-exercising – all while engaging in self-bullying thoughts.
So what are some signs that tell you your diet has slid into disordered eating and warrants some (self)love, support and attention?
You may find yourself spending more than half your time and energy planning out, justifying, feeling stress/anxious/obsessed about what to eat or not eat, and when to eat.
You weigh yourself frequently to “stay in control” and if the number on that scale is not what you hoped, you feel devastated or deflated, you beat yourself up, your upset mood affects the rest of your day, and/or you get more obsessive about “being good with food” or finding ways to lose weight to “stay motivated”.
You feel guilt or shame when you eat food outside of your prescribed diet plan, even if it was just a bite. Then you have the rest of the food anyway, and end up binging because you “ruined your diet” anyway.
You find yourself more restrictive with food and/or exercising excessively to make up for the extra calories you ate the day before.
You believe that once you reach your goal weight that you will be happier and everything in your life will be better.
You view your day, week, and life through the lens of food and you judge yourself as having a good day or bad day based on how well you stayed on track with your diet.
You feel obsessed and addicted to food.
You constantly check yourself in the mirror for body flaws or you avoid mirrors at all costs.
You believe that other people are focused on your “fat” or body concerns just like you are.
You get highly anxious and stressed when you get invited out for social gatherings because you fear you will not stay in control of your diet, and you might even sacrifice spending time with friends so you do not lose control.
These are just a few of the “symptoms” that occur as a result of disordered eating. The diet mentality sets us up to view life from the lens of food, and to be quite preoccupied with food. The real reason why we feel like we have “no willpower” or we are “weak” is because we are restricting ourselves. Our biology is not meant to restrict. What happens when we are told “No, no, no” repeatedly? Most of us want to rebel! It’s just human nature.
So what are some things you could do if a friend, is suffering from disordered eating or an eating disorder?
Always, always, always be non-judgemental! Stay curious about their intentions of dieting – the reasons are always deeper than the food behaviors.
Approach them with love, sensitivity and support and mention that you notice they seem a bit sad/preoccupied these days, and that you are there to listen (and truly listen without interruptions or jumping into fix them!) Remember, it is never truly about the food or their body image!
Gently make suggestions to build their support system with resources such as a therapist, doctor, programs about healthy, normal eating, group therapy for body image and food concerns, and offer to go with them.
The bottom line is that your best approach has to be of genuine concern, curiosity, and love. When your loved one who’s suffering can genuinely feel your love and concern, the chances of them opening up increase. Love from others is a vehicle to start the healing journey towards developing a healthy relationship with food, body image and Self-Love.
So, you may wonder, how do I answer people now if they ask me if I have lost weight? I simply smile, say I don’t know and I don’t really care, but what I do know and care about is that I feel great from the inside out, and that’s what really matters.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association.
Bellos, M. Why I am a Body Image Activist. Retrieved on October 23, 2015. https://youtu.be/EyJwlk8wJHg
Kratina, K. Orthorexia Nervosa. Retrieved November 19, 2015. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
